Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.
She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter
He:Its curiosity about sex
She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out