@HenpeckedHal

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

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@_Mo_lee_

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

@adamgreattweet

2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

@copymama

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

@EndhooS

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

@Papa_Mex

I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

@MafiaJoker78

A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.

@iGreenMonk

She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter

He:Its curiosity about sex

She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out