My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.