Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.