My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?