Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else