My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman