My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

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I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.


Girl- send your pic.
Me – i hv a group photo with friends.
Girl- ok send.
Me *sent a group photo*
Girl – where are you ?
Me- clicking pic.


Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.


I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.


If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.


The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done


Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom


Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.