My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

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[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest


Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.



Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.


garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please


jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget


Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.


[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS


“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”