@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

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@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

@GurjarShakti

Girl- send your pic.
Me – i hv a group photo with friends.
Girl- ok send.
Me *sent a group photo*
Girl – where are you ?
Me- clicking pic.

@Maxine12339

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@trayofcheese

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

@NotThatKristi

If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.

@Wine_Honey1

The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done

@iLikeCatShirts

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

@_Kim_Jongun

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.