Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.