My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
You Might Also Like
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there