My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.