My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“Theirye’re” problem solved
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Sounds like a real hoot.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!