Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”