My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.