My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
How dramatic are you?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.