My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”