Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation