My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
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ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”