my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
sometimes we need to be reminded
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]