my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.