My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Got him!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
paddle faster i hear baby shark
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