Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO