My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.