Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

subtitles are so good nowadays

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

bros in the example zone 😭

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.