Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Every work call, he judges.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…