Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

A man of commitment.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection