Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

Just as the prophecy foretold

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

A leaf blower, but for people.

bury ourselves

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.