Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]