My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me, flirting😏
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Succinctly put.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*limbos under the caution tape
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.