Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Yoga Matt

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

👽

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck