My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
You Might Also Like
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.