My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
No laws when master is gone
the three genders
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail