My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Sounds like a bargain
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My circle of trust is a meatball
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now