My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!