My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Trumpy Cat
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.