My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
You Might Also Like
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
I gave up going to work for lent.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.