My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Don’t make me out nice you.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin