My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“I’m helping” 😅
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.