My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
You Might Also Like
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
That’s enough internet for the day
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
God has abandoned us.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Breaking news:
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar