My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me My dog
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?