Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Dietest Coke

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

How your email finds me

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa