my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I Can’t Tonight…
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.