My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.