My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Baking is just science you can eat.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You know…for fall…
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.