My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

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I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO


Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?


Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.


My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”


Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.


I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.


Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms


I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.


Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.


Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.