@daddydoubts

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

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@ZachXJ

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

@wickedsuga

Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Coach:
Me:
Coach:
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?

@WorstCassie

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

@kevnasto

My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”

@mommajessiec

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

@inikoblue

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

@bourgeoisalien

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

@FunnyTunes

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.