Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.