My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)