My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?