My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Hoping to spice up my evening
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.