My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.


If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you


When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.


A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.


Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.


FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that


No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.