My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home