My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
every college guy’s fridge
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
he looks great for his age
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.