My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Finally
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*