My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.