My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*