Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor