My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
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My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Lmao 😁
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
How actors in movies eat their food
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”