My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?