My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. Iâm an adult.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been thâ*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
âHow would you describe yourself.â
Me – I absolutely would not.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Received an email that my âservices are no longer needed effective immediatelyâ & âgood luck on your future endeavorsâ. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. Itâs 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky đ
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
every night i say to my husband, âgo up without me, I have to take my vitaminsâ but Iâm just eating cookie dough
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a childrenâs ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Son: But Iâm not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! Youâre gonna eat!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Youâre never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
