My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Don’t tell me what to do
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
