My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
