My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.