My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.