My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
You Might Also Like
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
They got a point!
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
getting old is fun
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.