My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.