My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I didn’t know they can drive…
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard