My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
This anagram machine is out of order.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out