My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.