My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]