My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows