My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
work smarter, not harder
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.