Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

You’re not my real can

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

🥴

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???