Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer: