My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.