My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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#inspiration #foodforthought
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…