Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein